who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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