I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
