well I can't set my house on fire every night
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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