I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
