I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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