i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.