At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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