So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I could fuck to npr.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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