Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
