I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
