Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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