Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
