I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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