I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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