Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
