I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
