my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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