and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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