I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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