So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
