They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
