My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
