I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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