Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
