it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
