I just saw a hot homeless man
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
