Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
