I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
