i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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