When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
