I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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