I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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