I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
