i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
