do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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