My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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