Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
