god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They took my balls.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
