yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
