This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
