I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Im part way to drunk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
