Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
