My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
