You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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