i'm signing you up for texting rehab
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
