I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
