Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
