My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
