I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
