Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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