Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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