Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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