I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
