New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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