I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
