im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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